Redefining Sex: Moving Beyond Intercourse for Deeper Intimacy

women in bed wearing sexy lingerie holding black bra

Episode 29: Redefining Sex: Moving Beyond Intercourse for Deeper Intimacy

Introduction

On today's podcast, we're diving into a juicy topic today - rethinking our cultural fixation on penetration as the end-all-be-all definition of "real sex." Trust me, once you open your mind (and get between the sheets) with a more expansive view, a whole new world of erotic possibilities awaits. One filled with deeper intimacy, mind-blowing pleasure and zero sexual stigma. So let's get into it!

Shifting Perspectives on Sex

Sex. It's a topic often shrouded in taboo, especially in certain cultures like ours in the United States. Yet, it's a crucial aspect of human existence, intricately tied to our relationships, self-esteem, and overall well-being. When we think of sex, what comes to mind? Often, it's the act of intercourse itself. But what if we shifted our perspectives? What if we viewed sex as more than just a physical act, but rather as an experience of pleasure and connection shared between partners? By broadening our definition of sex, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities for intimacy and fulfillment.

The Pitfalls of the Intercourse Obsession

Whether we realize it or not, many of us have been culturally conditioned to see penis-in-vagina as the supreme act that defines sex. Think about it - that's what we see glorified everywhere from movies to music videos to porn. Hollywood has a knack for painting a picture-perfect image of sex and relationships. We see steamy scenes of passionate intercourse, with both partners reaching mind-blowing orgasms simultaneously. But let's be real - this portrayal is far from reality. It sets unrealistic expectations and leaves many feeling inadequate in comparison.

Here's the real-life plot twist: only around 18% of women can reliably orgasm from penetration alone! Not to mention, this narrow hetero-centric script leaves zero space for LGBTQ intimacy, not to mention penetration-free relating for heterosexual couples facing ED, chronic pain, disability or other limitations.

The bottom line? Restrictive societal programming around "real sex" is leaving most of us high and dry (pun intended!). It's perpetuating sexual shame and disconnection when our erotic experiences don't align with mainstream media and pornography ideals.

Redefining Sex as Pleasure and Connection

Instead of getting hung up on sex as intercourse only, what if we re-envisioned sex as any intimacy acts that spark pleasure, closeness and erotic aliveness between consenting partners? This opens up a vast playground for getting it on in ways that feel authentic and satisfying for your unique wants and circumstances.

Maybe your version of sex looks like sensual massage, lingering oral pleasuring or using your fave sex toy. Perhaps it involves kinky roleplaying or worshiping your partner's body with kisses from head to toe. The possibilities are endless once we move beyond the penetration paradigm!

At its core, intimacy is about exploring what gives you and your beloved(s) expansive joy and deep emotional-spiritual bonding - not just chasing one narrow physical act. Redefining sex around this pleasure principle creates zero room for stigma or feelings of inadequacy. Instead, you're a Sexual Expressed Artist unleashing yours (and your partner's) deepest ecstatic potential.

Empowering Partnerships

In healthy, fulfilling relationships, communication is key. This rings especially true when it comes to sex. Partners must feel comfortable discussing their desires, boundaries, and needs openly and honestly. It's not just about physical pleasure; it's about nurturing a deep emotional connection that enhances intimacy.

Exploring Pleasure Beyond Intercourse

Intercourse may be the traditional end goal of sex, but it's not the only path to pleasure. In fact, for many women, it's not the most reliable route to orgasm. By expanding our sexual repertoire to include other forms of stimulation and intimacy, we can unlock new levels of pleasure and satisfaction.

Ladies, Give Your Clitoris the Reigns

Speaking of unleashing pleasure potential - hey ladies, it's time to worship your majestic clitoris as your sovereign source of ecstatic bliss! The clitoris contains a dense 8,000+ nerve endings primed for earthshaking orgasms - way more than the relatively numb vaginal canal. Yet our culture has notoriously ignored this literal pleasure palace, making penetration the main event.

Imagine how much fun sex would be and how much more intense your pleasure would be if your clitoris was showered with ample licking, sucking, vibrators and any other clitoris-centric tricks that build your arousal and excitement.

For the Penis Owners: Removing the Pressure

While we're busting penetration obsession myths, let's pause to examine the crushing performance pressures it places on penis owners. The unspoken societal decree is that the penis must be the ultimate pleasure-giver that single-handedly delivers orgasmic bliss through pounding jackhammer moves.

No wonder erectile issues and premature ejaculation are so widespread! That's an insane burden for any penis to bear - being solely responsible for a partner's orgasmic bliss. By expanding our sex vision, we eradicate that unnecessary strain. The penis owners in the room can breathe a huge sigh of relief and fully enjoy intimacy without any anxiety around "performing" up to male-centric ideals.

Integrating Your Whole Self

In the mainstream erotic lens, sex is seen through a fragmented body parts perspective - genitals are the headlining acts while the rest of our being is merely stage dressing. How sad! Our sexuality is a huge part of who we are and our sexual health is key to our overall wellness.

Once we shed the repressive cultural overlays reducing ecstatic relating to mere mechanics, we open into integrating all that we are. Our senses, chakras, soul frequencies all become heightened and electrified during intimate union. We move beyond the mind's fixation on goals, judgements, and keeping score - and melt into the radiant presence and resonance happening at subtler planes. Sex alchemizes into a transcendent portal to unity consciousness and divine remembrance.

Time to Get Curious and Experiment! Embrace Sexual Diversity

Every individual is unique, with their own preferences, desires, and limitations. It's crucial that we embrace this diversity, both in ourselves and in our partners. Sex isn't one-size-fits-all, and that's perfectly okay. By celebrating our differences, we create a more inclusive and fulfilling sexual landscape.

With a reframed view of sex as an open-source exploratory journey versus rigid prescription, you now have a cosmic hall pass to get curious! What unique expressions might tantric massage, role play or BDSM light awaken between you and your beloved(s)? How does scheduling a "intimacy date night" to try new positions or saucy lingerie shift the energy? What happens when you surrender all goal orientation and simply breathe into savoring the moment's deliciousness?

This is YOUR erotic canvas to co-create upon! The only rule is that all participants feel safe, respected and able to opt-out anytime without coercion. Beyond that, let your imagination and sensation-body be your guide. Stay open to new awakenings around pleasure, and expect deliciously surprising pathways to open for you and your partner(s).

Making It a Lifestyle (Not Just a Bedroom Activity)

While we're on the subject of expanding our sexual norms, why relegate all the action to just between the sheets? Embodying your sexuality as an important and attractive part of who you are will boost your sexual self-confidence. How would your life change if you gave yourself permission to feel and be sexy and embrace that part of you?

Conclusion

As we wrap up this episode of the Podcast, I encourage you to reflect on your own views and experiences with sex and intimacy. How can you redefine sex in your own life? What new paths to pleasure and connection can you explore with your partner? Remember, the journey to great sex begins with an open mind and a willingness to challenge the status quo.

#GreatSexPodcast #Intimacy #RelationshipGoals #SexualWellness #Empowerment #SelfEsteem #SexualDiversity #OpenCommunication #RedefiningSex #PleasureAndConnection

Transcript

Hi there, I'm your host, an executive coach, psychotherapist, and relationship expert. Welcome to the Sex, Love and You Podcast, where we dive deep into the world of sex and relationships. Today's episode is sponsored by my new course called Toy Talk. It's choc-full of helpful information about how to use various sex toys, both individually and with a partner. I spent a really long time creating that course because I wanted to put all of the information into that course that I wish I had known when I was first starting out in the world of sex toys. And even if you've been using sex toys for a little while, I think you'll learn some valuable information. For more information about how to use sex toys, see TOY TALK.

I also have a list of my favorite sex toys on my website, lovefilledlife.com. If you're curious, and I know many of you are, check it out. Next, I know I said I was going to rename the podcast and I am still in that process. I may end up creating a new podcast instead of renaming this one. Still not sure about all of that. I'm getting closer to the decision though, and I really appreciate all of the feedback and input I've received from everyone.

So thanks so much because really when it comes down to it, the podcast is more for you than it is for me. As much as I love talking and I love sharing information and I truly do love teaching and helping people, I want you to get out of this what you need most. That's why your feedback is super helpful for me. Let's get right into today's content. I think you'd all agree that for the most part,

We don't know how to talk about sex. It's really a taboo subject in our society, especially in the United States. And in many cultures, it's a subject that is really a no-no. It's off the table. One of the challenges about having a podcast that talks about sex, even when I'm talking about sexual health, things that are healthy sexuality, is that for me to post on social media sometimes gets really challenging and I have a lot of posts that are rejected by the social media filters. It can be very frustrating, but I understand the reasons behind that because there are people out there doing really bad things related to sex. Sex can be really healthy in the right context, but sexual health is really important to our overall well-being.

It's part of what makes us uniquely us. Even though it's really difficult to talk about sex and it makes a lot of people feel awkward and uncomfortable, it's really important that we get better at talking about sex in our society. Oftentimes, it's fear-based decisions that keep us from talking about sex. We're afraid if we talk about sex with our kids, then that means they're going to go out and have more sex. Well, actually, no. It means we've armed them with helpful information about sex so they don't make bad decisions and bad choices that get them into trouble. But there is a saying that the most uncomfortable person in the room controls the conversation about sex. And this is totally true. If we're in a room full of people and there's somebody that's really uptight and uncomfortable with any sexual topic,

You can tell you can see it all over their face. You can tell it in the comments they make and they really do end up shutting down what can be sometimes very positive conversations about sex. Because we don't make it more acceptable to talk more openly about sex in our society, many people just really don't know how to talk about sex even with their partners. And frankly,

It's your partner that you need to be the most comfortable talking about sex with because you have to be able to talk about sex, talk about what you want and need and decide what you want in your sexual relationship. You get to decide overall what you want for your relationship, but you also get to negotiate your sex life with your partner. Okay, and my dog is in the room, so you may hear... this little dog scampering about as I record this podcast. My last episode was to answer a question from a listener that wanted to know, what do you do when you don't want to have intercourse anymore? And although I shared a lot of helpful information, one of the things I really didn't emphasize was that you get to negotiate your sex life. I think sex is a special place that you go to with your partner.

It's not something you do, it's not an act you do, it's a special place that you get to experience with your partner that no one else will ever be experiencing. It's just you and your partner exploring each other, expressing your love, and deepening your relationship and your connection with one another. That's such a special, unique thing. So in this context, sex can be absolutely magnificent.

When you're in a safe space with a partner that you truly love, that listens to you, that you can trust, that supports you and respects you, and allows you to express your wants and needs, and then wants to help fulfill your wants and needs, sex can be absolutely amazing. And it can be something that grows your relationship like nothing else can.

So I think it's important to think about sex that way, not as just acts you do, but as this experience that you have with your partner that's both pleasurable and connecting. So let's talk about intercourse, because for many people, intercourse is the end goal. They think it's the end all be all about sex, and that that's what we're all trying to do, is get to the finish line, which is intercourse.

And it's really unfortunate that we're socialized to think that intercourse is always the goal of sex. In fact, many people define intercourse as sex or sex as intercourse, however you're going to say that. But it's not fair to women because frankly, only 18 % of women can orgasm from intercourse. And of those 18%, it's not always reliable that they're going to orgasm from intercourse.

So many things can go wrong that can prevent that orgasm. So from a female perspective, intercourse is not the thing that makes us want to have sex. Women tend to want to have sex because that is a way of feeling loved, of being close and connected with our partner, of feeling this very special bond.

But intercourse is not the way that women typically will try to have an orgasm. They need lots of clitoral stimulation, on average 20 to 40 minutes of it, in order to have an orgasm. And intercourse just doesn't hit women's bodies, oftentimes in a way that stimulates the clitoris enough to give them an orgasm. But look at what we see in Hollywood.

We always see couples having the most amazing earth-shattering intercourse. They're ripping their clothes off each other, going straight to intercourse, no foreplay whatsoever, and they're having these earth-shattering, typically simultaneous orgasms, which we all know is a very rare thing to happen. People need plenty of time to warm up and have foreplay. Like I said, it takes women 20 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm.

And only 18 % at the most are having that orgasm through intercourse. So we are not seeing the real life when we see Hollywood. We're just seeing this fictionalized love story, right? So unfortunately, that makes people think that that is the norm. So when we start to compare ourselves to the sex acts we see in movies and on TV, we end up feeling like we're not enough.

And there's enough things in this world that make us feel like we're not enough without having sex be one of them. I want to say that again. There's enough things in this world that can make us feel like we are not enough without sex being one of them. And when I say it can make us feel like we're not enough, I'm not just talking about women. I'm talking about men too. Men get a really bad rap sometimes.

They're socialized that their penis is responsible for their partner's satisfaction and that bigger is better. I mean, what a mind job to put on a guy. To feel like their penis is that responsible for their partner's pleasure and their partner's orgasm? Well, my goodness, no wonder we have so much erectile dysfunction in our society. It puts so much pressure on them to perform to have a really hard erection and to give their partner a really great orgasm through intercourse. So what happens when that doesn't happen? If we revisit the statistic that 18 % of women can orgasm through intercourse, what about the other 82 % of people out there? Well, if they're having intercourse with their partner, that means they're not having an orgasm through intercourse.

And if that is intercourse between a male and a female, that male is feeling like they have let their partner down 82 % of the time when their partner is not having an orgasm. But this whole mindset that intercourse is our goal and that men are socialized to think that their penis has to give their partner pleasure. Well, that just sets them up for problems. It sets them up for performance anxiety.

It sets them up for erectile dysfunction. It can even set them up for premature ejaculation. And none of those are good things. So let's take a minute to think about what sex looks like in your relationship. Everybody has, kind of a little sexual script that they go through with their partner. And we change it up periodically. But for many people, they do kind of the same thing every time.

After a while that can get boring, so I really encourage you to change things up. But when you're doing, you know, your typical sexual script, think about what that looks like for you. For many people, it's they start off kissing, they take their clothes off, they get in bed, they touch each other a little, and then they kind of go straight to intercourse. Sometimes they use a toy, sometimes they don't. Sometimes one partner will say, well, I don't need to have an orgasm.

But focusing on that intercourse model where intercourse is the goal, it really isn't helpful long-term because so many things can go wrong in that process. Things that can go wrong might be it just not feeling pleasurable, not feeling aroused enough before you start with intercourse, having some type of physical limitation or chronic pain or body size that makes intercourse more challenging, having pain with intercourse, you can be too dry, which can also contribute to pain, and erectile dysfunction. So many things have to go right in the process in order to have the intercourse model work. And why I think this is important to talk about is because there's so many other options on your sex menu that aren't intercourse-centric.

There's so many other wonderful, pleasurable, and connecting things that you can do with your partner that don't involve intercourse and don't rely on intercourse. And for many people, this is their only option. They may have erectile dysfunction that's never gonna go away, and so they may not ever be able to have penetration. They may have physical limitations that take penetration off the table.

They may have a physical mismatch where penetration becomes so painful, they can't have penetration. They may have a lot of pain with penetration for other reasons. So penetration is off the table. So the thing is, if we set ourselves up to be a society that is so focused on intercourse, for all these people that can't have intercourse, what are they supposed to do? If we are a society that only measures sex as intercourse and we are focused on intercourse as our goal, then we're missing out on tons of opportunities and we're setting ourselves up not just for feelings of failure and disappointment, but real discouragement about our sexuality and shame about our body and how it functions. And all of that can drive a lot of disconnection within the relationship.

So if we focus on creating a sex menu with our partner, that is something that we both agree is pleasurable and connecting, and we redefine sex as acts that are pleasurable and connecting, not necessarily intercourse, although for some people it still might be intercourse, and that's okay if that works for them. But for the other people, what if you give yourself permission to say, you know what, I can have sexual pleasure with my partner, then I don't need to have intercourse be part of that. There are other things I can do with my partner that would feel just delightful and pleasurable. So my challenge for you today is to think about what is one thing that you could do differently in your relationship that doesn't rely on intercourse.

I'd love for you to think about that and then to have a conversation with your partner and tell them, you know, I know you really enjoy intercourse, but I think I would really like to do this other thing. So how about the next time we have sex, we do this instead. And this thing, it doesn't even have to involve an orgasm. Again, it's anything that's pleasurable and connecting because all of the research shows that the most sexually satisfied couples long-term redefine sex away from intercourse into pleasure and connection. And that wraps it up for today. Once again, check out my course on sex toys and the suggestions I have on my website, lovefilledlife.com. I think you'll enjoy them. Thanks so much for joining me. And if you found this episode valuable, please subscribe, share the podcast with a friend that might enjoy it and leave a positive review. It really helps. Until next time, my wish for you is to create fabulous relationships and intimacy while living your best life. Take care.

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